Panic stops

Quigg
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Panic stops

Postby Quigg » February 20th, 2011, 9:12 am

I have been cleaning out my hard drive and I ran across this from the days of the old VOL. Thought I might post it before it goes to the trash bin.

Panic Stops

No this isn’t about what to do when a Lincoln pulls a left in front of you or when you have a hornet in your full face helmet or a cramp in your big toe or even when you realize you forgot your passenger at the last rest stop. It’s about the “Big One”!

I’m not qualified to advise anybody on proper braking techniques, but I’ve had some experience with the most terrifying of panic stops. I feel I can offer some sound advice here.

I’m not talking about jamming on the binders to avoid an accident. Well, I guess I am in a way. The panic stop I’m referring to is really to avoid an accident, of sorts. It’s the accident that happens about five minutes after the first cramp.

It has many names. Skidders, the back door trots (from the days of outhouses), Montezuma’s revenge, and sudden distress in the lower tract to name a few. Yes, I’m talking about ---DIARRHEA! . If you have ever watched a buddy dump on his bike in a panic stop you know it’s not a pretty sight.

I’ll try to do this as delicately as possible. There is so much to think about during any emergency and time is usually in short supply. That is why you must think about these situations beforehand so you may be prepared. Otherwise you could find yourself in deep do-do.

If you happen to be within a few minutes of a rest area or service facility when the symptoms begin you should be o-kay but when the nearest relief is thirty miles ahead you had better start making plans. You don’t want to get caught in traffic, you must fight shy of bridges and tunnels, and you need to be ready to take advantage of billboards, trees, bushes, or high grass if no other cover presents itself. Privacy is very important.

Try to choose a safe pull-off area for your bike with nearby cover on level terrain. There are several good reasons for picking a level spot. First off you know what can happen if you exert yourself trying to climb. Going down hill can be just as dangerous due to the shock your system absorbs each time your heel hits the ground. Level ground also relieves you of the need to build pee dams. (Pee dams are essential on uneven terrain. They are time consuming to construct and if not done properly or are of inadequate capacity, will overflow and I’m sure you have all experienced the terror of seeing that yellow stream snaking back toward your feet and the helpless feeling of trying to dodge it in a squatted position.)

Sometimes it is best to sacrifice quality in cover and terrain in favor of time. If you have ever tried to get out of sweaty leather trousers you will understand why experienced riders prefer chaps in this type of emergency. Most experienced bikers begin shedding clothing even before they leave the highway knowing every second counts. I don’t recommend these one-piece riding suits either. I know of one fellow who filled up his own collar and didn’t realize it until he pulled his suit back on.

Be wary of fences. Know that some are charged with enough electricity to discourage a large bovine and it is doubtful you will maintain what little control you have while being hit with what feels like the total output of Three Mile Island! Keep a sharp lookout for snakes and bears. Most snakes do not see very well and one never knows if it’s mating season. They may fall in love with some of you better-equipped fellows. Bears are curious beasts without fear and will roll you around on the ground just for fun while scaring the crap out of you.

There are several accepted positions; The no hands squat position is fine if you are sure of your balance, some prefer the one hand tree hold position and some like to find a log or hollow stump. Hollow stumps are comfortable but can be dangerous if a badger has taken up residence there. Trapping is still a popular sport and no matter the urgency take the time to check for steel traps. Whatever your choice it is good practice to make sure of your footing. If you slip I can guarantee you won’t come out smelling like a rose.

Be prepared. Reserve one zippered pocket of your jacket for a partial roll of toilet paper or a couple rags in a plastic bag. The plastic bag is so it doesn’t get wet. Wet paper is useless. Leaves do not work well and the danger of poison ivy is ever present. A real biker can use a stick, a piece of bark, or a flat rock but I don’t recommend that.

Your buddies will probably hurl insults and will definitely throw rocks at you so be prepared for that too. They have long memories so be careful. Any mistakes, like filling up your collar will follow you for years to come.

Depends? Just a suggestion.

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wiseguydave
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Re: Panic stops

Postby wiseguydave » February 20th, 2011, 9:25 am

Good to see crap gets posted here too ;) Nice writeup, chief scribe :)
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ecks
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Re: Panic stops

Postby ecks » February 20th, 2011, 9:26 am

Kind of related to scuba diving in a dry suit.
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rodie1200
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Re: Panic stops

Postby rodie1200 » February 20th, 2011, 10:22 am

It's that last bump in the road that gets ya :o
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2007 Goldwing GL1800 Air bag model
Also have a bicycle, but i'm too lazy to ride it.

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Dennis
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Re: Panic stops

Postby Dennis » February 20th, 2011, 11:27 am

lol...classic

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Da_Skunk
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Re: Panic stops

Postby Da_Skunk » February 20th, 2011, 11:46 am

wrong category for this I think

Shadow Kat
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Re: Panic stops

Postby Shadow Kat » February 20th, 2011, 3:08 pm

:lol: Brings back memories of my childhood camping trips.
And explains bike park on the road w/ no rider in sight.

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LabRat
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Re: Panic stops

Postby LabRat » February 20th, 2011, 5:59 pm

Thanks for sharing. Can you send some paper my way to clean the drink off my keyboard from laughing.
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Rob
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Re: Panic stops

Postby Rob » February 20th, 2011, 7:08 pm

Quigg wrote:
Be prepared. Reserve one zippered pocket of your jacket...


NOT your saddlebag! Your saddlebag is absolutely useless under these circumstances! :lol:
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rodie1200
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Re: Panic stops

Postby rodie1200 » February 21st, 2011, 10:31 pm

Rob wrote:
Quigg wrote:
Be prepared. Reserve one zippered pocket of your jacket...


NOT your saddlebag! Your saddlebag is absolutely useless under these circumstances! :lol:

Are you talking about keeping the paper in the saddlebag or using it to poop in??
:lol:
Image
2007 C-50 with DJ drive
2007 Goldwing GL1800 Air bag model
Also have a bicycle, but i'm too lazy to ride it.


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